the pits

I am so fucking depressed I can't function. I've slowly been falling behind on chores, like keeping the lawn watered and the cat boxes clean. I'm exhausted, and not just because I took the 20mg dose of Geodon this morning. I feel like the walking dead.

I had a rough session with Lisa just now. Lots of tears, lots of silence. We talked about going back to school and what that brings up emotionally, which is just the fear/expectation of failure and not meeting the high expectations I and others have of me. I'm pretty smart in some ways, but have never succeeded in school thanks to inattention, performance anxiety, and all-or-nothing thinking. I'm going to try to get myself approved with the disability office to have extensions on papers and assignments, so the deadlines don't mess with my head and inspire self-sabotage. Lisa thinks that's a good idea. She also wants me to fight the A-or-F distortion I have, where I expect perfection and give up when I can't attain it. Like I should aim to pass with a C, and be thrilled with anything better. Like I should try learning for learning's sake, and not to make a point about how smart I am. She's right. It just feels impossible.

I'm also just really struggling with this latest mood episode. Coming back to the point of being this depressed is hard to wrap my mind around, because the meds are supposed to help. Geodon is supposed to fix all of this, and it's not doing it right now. I don't know why, maybe because I'm not on another mood stabilizer. Before, when I was taking Seroquel and Lamictal, I mostly felt okay. I had this baseline, almost-normal mood. I couldn't feel a lot of the highs and lows, but that was fine by me. Now I feel the highs and lows, and they feel intensified. That jittery feeling with racing thoughts, that I felt in the beginning? Long gone. Now I have some sedation after dosing, and am not generally feeling a lot of mood improvement. Lability, depression. I just don't feel right. I don't know what to make of it, but I want to improve. I want to feel better.

I mentioned in my session today that coming back to this point feels so inevitable. Like no matter what I do, I'll always come back to feeling unworthy and depressed and anxious, and that I can't control the fact that I will always end up being back in this terrible place. Maybe it isn't Geodon's fault. Maybe I was heading towards this depression regardless, but it sure makes it feel like all the pill-popping is for nothing. Maybe Geodon will be amazing at the right dose. Maybe a few days deep into this 100mg/day dose I'll get some improvement. Maybe 120/day will be better. I just have to keep going. I have to keep trying. I can have a better life. I can do this. I can do this. Even if I have to be put back on Zyprexa for a week, to snap me out of it... I will get through all this shit. I am going to be a success story. I am going to be someone who achieves remission. I can. I will. Just keep swimming.

Maybe I need Zonegran more than I once thought. Maybe it can't wait until a month from now. Next visit, on the 14th, I'll ask about Zonegran. Depending on how bad it is between now and then, I might also ask about a weeklong course of Zyprexa. I'm sure that he's going to tell me it's another mixed episode. I've been cycling every two weeks or so, between euthymia/hypo and mixed/depressed. I know well enough how to identify my own mood states now. So it's settled. I need another mood stabilizer, and I may need a change in my AAP. I just have to survive the next nine days to make the changes. I need to give Geodon my full commitment and just keep on going.

Sigh. It just doesn't get any easier. I'll just hope to be in a better place next week.