Resolute.

I need to make changes in 2012. I plan to. My mental health is my priority.

Let me explain. In October 2010 I deployed to a home office. My regular call center job, but done from home. It has been great, with unparalleled convenience. But at what cost?

I struggle perpetually with depression and anxiety disorders. My depression is refractory and chronic, which means it doesn't respond well to traditional treatments and is ongoing, ever-lasting. My depression doesn't fade after a couple of months on Prozac. I take 5 pills a day, every day. Two varieties of antidepressants (Celexa,, Wellbutrin), stimulants twice daily (Adderall) and, a sedative at night to sleep (this month's Ambien). The others are constant and proven in the positive effect on my life and functionality. The nighttime med if the one we're working out. Ambien gives me terrible headaches.

With all of the above, I have found myself a de facto hermit. Unless I have an appointment, I don't leave the house much. I don't see friends much, unless they come to me. I have rushes of anxiety when I do leave the house, worrying and ruminating on all my hypothetical disasters. I long ago gave up on therapists, after fighting valiantly through a half dozen failed options who couldn't connect with me. So I am going to start to blog it out, and use this forum to work though my issues and set goals. Goals to be more social, more mobile... Above everything I want to be able to be there for Kristina instead of stuck in my own little world.

Looking forward to this new option.