One thing I did notice, after mulling over my response so far to Geodon... I've become quite snappy lately. In the sense that I have a quick retort for everything, I'm calling everyone else out on their bullshit...it may be dangerously close to crossing a line. I go back to work next Wednesday, and what if I can't help myself and come up with something smart to say at a client? It's like Geodon has turned on the inner smartass in me (and she was barely placated to begin with).
Kris is doing a biggest loser thing at work and Geodon requires that I eat a meal of 500 calories or more with my dosage. So now we're counting and tracking and trying to lose weight again. I weighed myself yesterday morning...277#. At the gyno on 5/2 it was 275. Embarrassing. Not as embarrassing as a month ago when it was 288, but still. Before now my all time high was 256, which I exceeded during the holidays, and then this sick dance of antipsychotics began and I gained another...probably 15-20lbs. So now it's become an issue of my clothes not fitting and having to buy new stuff, which I don't want to do. So this is the only option. Gotta get it under control.
I need to start slow though. Last week we bought a bike for the use of the household. The bike was cheap, and so far we've changed the seat (to what we affectionately call a big butt seat) and added a light. Last night Kris wants to jog, so I get set up to ride along with her.
Well, I lost my breath and started coughing almost instantly, and then the seat was up just a little too high and I kept losing my balance, which made me feel like I was falling, which made me panic, and I ended up huffing and puffing (mostly from anxiety) and heading back to the house after a block or so. I also probably have some kind of exercise-induced, climate-worsened asthma, because the dry air felt like razors in my lungs. I never had this much trouble when I lived in Oregon...I was fucking running laps at the track after 40 minutes on the arc trainer, some biking, and a weight routine! So I don't know if this is something that warrants seeing a pulmonologist, but I'm considering it just so I have a little albuterol inhaler to puff on after exercise and to prevent the huge spike in anxiety that comes with not being able to breathe. And that means one more glorious medication to stuff into my overflowing basket... I'm a glutton for pharmaceutical punishment, I guess.
In any case, I need to lose at least 40 pounds, and obviously 100 would be within reason given my current status. Long-term, I want to end up somewhere around 180. I'd probably be about a size 12 at that weight, which I can live with. But I know that once I'm under 250, and ideally around 220, I will feel ENORMOUSLY better about myself, my body, and be more capable of activity. To bring it back to the subject at hand, I am hopeful that Geodon will be a great ally in this, because it requires that I know the caloric content of my main meal of the day and also it has been suppressing my appetite. That, coupled with a new blender, has me consuming mostly liquids (smoothies, mmm) and then one meal. I couldn't get the meals alone over 500cal, so I have some protein bars (for "dessert") that bump up the calories and also meet my doctor's recommendation that my meal be rich in protein.
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