Sleepless

Can I just say, I feel more wired now than I do after 40mg of Dexedrine? This is totally bizarre and inappropriate.

The Geodon. Yesterday was a split dose, 40mg am and 40mg pm. From this point on, we're doing 80mg altogether at dinner, just once daily. Maybe it's silly, but I notice two things right away. First, my vocabulary has improved. We went to dinner with Kathleen and I felt like I could competently hold a conversation, without forgetting words or blanking out while trying to listen (much). The cognitive differential between Geodon and Seroquel is extremely large. Second, I can't sleep for shit on this drug. As I said, I'm wired. Woke up this morning after about 4 hours sleep, ready to get out the door long before Kris was.

I also feel like my chest is tight, and I keep having these gross acid reflux-y burp moments. I'm also eating only one meal a day...I don't really feel hungry, but I know I really have to have some food in me in order for the Geodon to work. So, once-daily dosing, once-daily meals. Yesterday I managed to eat two brownies to choke down my morning dose. But the Seroquel munchies are gone. There's that.

I'm concerned, and here's why. It's great to feel like I have some of my mental acuity back (see? vocabulary! didn't even have to think about it!), but my thoughts are RACING. I feel like a speed freak. Like, this is worse agitation than Abilify. Worse than stimulants. I am on fire with the witty comments, rapid-firing, ready to roll. I could have a competitive debate round right now. Like an after five energy drinks sort of debate round. My internal monologue sounds like a debate round! It's taking a lot to get a quiet moment with all the noise in my head. Just constant commentary about everything. At group I was interjecting and laughing and striking up waiting room conversations...totally unlike me. I think it's going to flip me manic. It's going to be a big one, if it does. It's going to be a hospitalization-requiring, clear-Dr.-Yasar's-caseload kind of situation. I'm HOPING that I cool off (a little...) but it feels...weird for now.

So, for tonight:
1) take half a Seroquel to maybe get some sleep.
2) take leftover Sonata if that fails
3) do my diary card before sleeping

For tomorrow:
1) Try, at some point in the day, to have a moment of mindfulness. All five senses. Here and now. "This is where I am now."
2) Complete various household chores.
3) Get some air. I'm always making excuses that I can't go for a walk because I'm not wearing the right shoes or clothes. Even if I'm in leggings, flip-flops, and a tee, I'm going to try to just...walk around the block, or something.
4) Go to the court and pay my thing.

I'm hoping those DBT-oriented tasks will keep me in line for the day.