Invalidated

Apparently I don't care about anyone but myself. I'm a horrible person for not coming up with an elaborate plan to celebrate two nights early.

This is exactly why I have a constant internal dialogue of shame and insufficiency. My every action (and inaction) is scrutinized, and then extrapolated to say something about my character. If I don't return my mother's drunken abusive voicemail then I'm a horrible person who will never have familial relationships. If I don't predict her every desire, then I don't really care and therefore am undeserving of respect.

Today I had training at work that was incredibly stressful, that made me feel like I'm being set up to fail. Then I had a series of calls that were not good sales opportunities, excepting my last call which went long and almost made me late to group. At group I shared some emotional shit.

Rewinding a little, last night my brothers came over, which was pretty uncomfortable. D was telling us all about what it was like being in prison and rehab, and then about how horrible and dysfunctional our family is. I'm proud of myself for saying yes to R's suggestion that D come along, but it left me feeling depressed and mourning my lack of a normal family.

Then today a member of my group tells me they know my brother and that he was using last week.

Sometimes I just feel like I can't deal with the massive pile of shit that is my life.