Opposite Action

In between calls at work today, I was thinking a lot about something Lisa was telling me in therapy on Tuesday. She was telling me about opposite action, where upon feeling a negative emotion (fear, anxiety, aversion) one takes an opposite action than what they may normally do. I am friendly with some of the ladies on my team at work. I was chatting with one of them, Jeannie, during our team meeting. She asked me if I'd like to come to the weekend get-togethers she and Pam have to talk about things... normally I would avoid that sort of social interaction because I feel self-conscious and afraid. I would say that I'd like to but am busy, or have commitments on weekends, or whatever. But I didn't, this time. I said yes and we exchanged phone numbers, and when she contacts me to let me know about those weekend chats, I am going to make the effort to go. Not because I have to, but because I can't let my fears control my every move. It definitely won't hurt me to go, and I really like these women, even though they're some 30 years my senior. It will be good for me, and I have to start doing some things that are good for me.

So that was a good thing, that I could get my head around what it would be like to go out in public with other people and not be scared off by it. Unfortunately, today, I had a not-so-great moment as well. During the team meeting, I inquired about one of the new standards for our performance. They want us to have our call time down at a certain goal, a goal which I am currently a long way from. I asked how they arrived at those numbers, and if my manager thought they were reachable... My manager replied that the vast majority of the team is already at the goal, and she pulled up a list showing each person's call times. I was second to last in terms of reaching the goal, which made me feel awful. I asked a follow up question, and could feel my eyes welling up with tears and my voice shaking as I asked. I felt humiliated, and afraid, and upset with my company for making the change.

To be honest, I've been upset with the company quite a lot lately, because they expect more and more from us agents, but they give us less. Starting next month our lunch breaks are cut to 30 minutes, instead of 40. The normal holidays that most people get off (Thanksgiving weekend, Christmas, New Year's) are now working days that we have to request off in advance, and be approved for (and almost no one is approved). Now they want us to spend less time with each caller, so that we can take more calls in a day. Instead of replacing agents who quit or are promoted with more permanent, full-time employees, they're hiring 600 temps so they don't have to pay for their benefits. It's tough for me to stomach all this, because the company that I loved working for was the one that gave us full benefits on day one, who gave us all 9 holidays a year off work, who told us that the customer was always the first priority and to take all the time necessary to fully explain each product. It seems like they're going in the wrong direction, and it makes me angry and sad to see it happen. To some degree, I have to acknowledge that the company's decisions are not mine to control, and if I don't like it then I can leave... but it's disheartening none the less.

Yesterday in therapy Lisa and I also talked about how I felt during group. She was surprised to learn how body-conscious I was, as I spent the whole time trying to clench my muscles together to look as small as possible, and I also told her about how I tried my best to stare at the walls or look over people's heads so I wouldn't have to see their reactions to what I was saying. I was at such a high level of anxiety and self-depreciation that I really found it hard to participate. I feel comfortable with Lisa, and when I go to group tomorrow I'm going to try and at least make eye contact with the other four women. It's a first step towards having normal social relationships. It's a step towards growth.


On a separate note, Dexedrine is everything I dreamed it would be... just like Adderall, but smoother, mellower. I feel almost zen, and I feel more in control of my impulses and thoughts. Granted, it's only day one, but I think this is the thing I was missing. I don't have to work as hard to find the words I need. I don't lose my place while reading disclaimers out loud to my clients. I feel more capable of functioning well. I'm hopeful. It feels nice to feel hopeful for once.