Bad, bad, bad. This whole week has been terrible. Haven't been able to work at all. It started at the end of last week, Friday or so. We were tasked with acquiring the rent, and I had to talk to the landlord and was on super-stress mode all day...so then I started having fitful, terrible sleep. The sleep made me feel ten times more anxious, which in turn made it even more difficult to sleep. I've been an anxious, paranoid wreck for at least the last seven days. I want nothing more than to lock all the gates and barricade the house and build a moat and just make our house into an inpenetrable fortress. The other night I heard someone ring the bell at 11pm. (at least, I think I heard it! Hopefully I'm not that far gone yet...) I went to the living room and looked, and I saw a man exiting our front gate. I ran over to the window to watch him leave, see what direction he went, etc., but then he was gone.
A few weeks ago we were having an issue with one of our neighbors reporting us to animal control for things like our dogs barking, there being poop in the yard (how could there not be? 3 dogs?), etc. Animal control agents would come and bang on our door and it had me seriously spooked. I did talk to the agent, I dealt with it, and we're all good now... but the whole "people coming to the door" thing is driving me nuts. We've also had our aluminum recycling go missing. I think it's the back neighbor, just taking our cans in the dead of night to turn them in for CRV, but the fact that I don't know and nobody's asked makes me nuts. I want black-out curtains in every window. I don't want anyone to ever see into my house and watch me. Not ever. All of this has been fueling my paranoia and avoidance.
Until today, I hadn't left the house since Saturday - heck, I hadn't even crossed the threshold to the front porch since Saturday! But today, after wallowing for several days and experimenting with eliminating the stimulants, I went to see my doctor. (When I say doctor, I always mean psychiatrist. Always.) I explained the issue I was having, and the doc had a very agitated response, telling me that of course I was having trouble, and that my sleep problems were probably caused by the medication. I don't fully disagree, but then he suggested the unthinkable - that I completely discontinue everything, detox, and start over. This threw me into a panic. I expressed to him that that idea made me nervous, and that I was afraid I would want to harm myself if I was no longer taking at LEAST an antidepressant. He was insistent on the need for detox. I started crying almost uncontrollably. Doctor didn't know what to do with that response, and started asking me "well, what do you want? Lamotrigine augmentation? Lunesta you said was too expensive... What do you want me to do for you?!?" I felt overwhelmed, and told him as much. I told him I would do whatever he thought would help me the most. I felt so defeated and afraid. He announced that I should try Abilify, that he had samples, and would I agree to try it. I said yes.
So, I'm to taper down my dosage of amphetamine and take the Abilify 2mg once daily. I am apprehensive of this new track, but it isn't as bad as I first thought. I priced the medication out through Medco, and it came up with something absurd like $110 per month - which isn't unbelievable at all, I knew to expect it to be high, but that's so beyond being affordable. I took my first dose immediately following the appointment, and feel a little bit like my head is stuffed with cotton balls. My thoughts are foggy and I find it hard to find words and to converse with others, and I have this whole tired-but-not-sleepy thing happening. There is some silver lining - now that it's been 5 hours or so, the foggy feeling is starting to diminish. And best of all, I qualified for the "Abilify Card" from the manufacturer, so that gives me a free 30 day supply initially and a discount of up to $100 off my costs - so that should make it more like $10 or $15 a month for at least 17 months, which is better. I'm going to give it an honest shot.
In terms of moving forward from here, the doc was also very critical of the Wellbutrin, saying that it has a long and sordid history of disrupting sleep. Fair enough. Aside from the Wellbutrin, the only other antidepressants I've tried were Celexa and Effexor XR. I'm thinking that I can taper down the Wellbutrin next, and switch over to Remeron (mirtazapine) or doxepin, and take those nightly with the Abilify. If that doesn't work, I'll consider other options, like Zoloft or even Viibryd, a newer drug on the market.
Who knows, maybe I'll improve dramatically. That would be nice.
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