Trying to hope

I know they say that mental illness is the leading cause of disability. What strikes me is how literally disabled I feel - like nothing is possible. I'm now on disability leave from work, which means I'll get paid at 80% of my normal rate. The Abilify is still making me groggy during the day, and worsening my insomnia during the night. Last night I was awake until 2am, and woke up at about 4:30 and was up until the local news came on at 5. Then I was woken up again at around 6:45 by Kristina turning on the lights, and becoming infuriated when I offered to turn on a bedside lamp if she would please turn off the overhead lamp. She's since apologized, but still... I'm freaking tired. Tonight I am going to go to Bikram and hopefully that will give me some rest.

Other developments: I took to heart what Dr Yasar said about mindfulness and solving any physical problems that were hurting my sleep. So, in addition to starting the Yoga on Saturday, I went to a chiropractor on Monday. This is significant, because my father is an orthopaedic surgeon. His opinion is that chiropractors aren't real doctors, more like massage therapists or physical therapists. I have to say - I used to fully agree, but now that I'm seeing one I'm impressed by how much she can do for me. Her name is Dr Olsen, and she adjusted me and did some electrical stimulation and ultrasound therapy, which, while it leaves me sore the rest of the day, has helped me not to wake up with back pain. She also had me get some x-rays, which showed narrowing between my lumbar vertebrae. She says I have arthritis in my spine, worst in the L4-L5 region, and explained that that area is one of the most painful to have arthritis in. She was not surprised at all that I wake up every morning in pain. I'm also making a conscious effort to sleep on my side rather than on my stomach, as she said that will help as well.

Today I am titrating down my dose of bupropion. I'm nervous, because the last time I took 150mg instead of 300mg I was a total wreck - crying all the time, suicidal ideation, anxiety, etc. But I am going to try and be positive, because if changing off the Wellbutrin will help me sleep, I'm all for it. I'm going to trust that once I've titrated down, and gone onto something more calming (I'm really leaning towards Remeron, but doxepin is still a possibility), I will improve. Dr Yasar thinks so, and I have no reason to distrust his clinical experience.

Speaking of Dr Yasar though... I'm not sure if I mentioned it, but during our last (awful, terrible, no good) meeting, he suggested that I have sleep apnea. I told him I don't usually snore, but he insisted. I've been doing some reading, and there is no WAY that I have it. I know I'm big. I know I'm bigger than I should be. But I'm not sleep apnea size, and what's more, if I had sleep apnea, I would feel SLEEPY. I never feel sleepy, just lethargic, exhausted, devoid of all energy. Getting to sleep is like torture for me, no matter how emotionally or mentally exhausted I am, I can never feel sleepy without aid. My thoughts aren't necessarily racing, but they just don't stop or shut down. I'm offended a little that Dr Yasar doesn't believe me and trust me when it comes to my own symptoms, but I am going to address this with him during tomorrow's appointment.

Here's what I'm thinking, I need to go in with a plan of attack. I need to make clear that I am not always going to be the anxious, panicked wreck that he saw last week. I think I should start out by apologizing for my reaction, and explaining why I perceived his response as threatening. I want to make clear that I am on board with changing things, and I trust that he will ultimately help me on the road to recovery. I will then detail how I've cut back/eliminated the Adderall (taken 1 tablet total since our last appointment), and decreased my dose of Wellbutrin. I will request advise on adding Remeron or doxepin, and make clear to him that while I'm sure getting deeper, better, more restful sleep will certainly help, I fear I may still need a stimulant to help me focus once I go back to work, because my ADHD (still weird for me to write that, because I've no hyperactivity to speak of, but alas) makes it near impossible for me to even care about doing my work correctly.

I'm really trying to encourage myself to get better. I want to feel like I can enjoy life again, not just be "functional" and barely sliding by in my little cocoon.