Note to self...

Don't bother making game plans. They mean nothing. Dr Yasar has a theory that now that I've been stabilized out of my hypomania (have I?), and am primarily depressive, that I should go straight from Zyprexa to Seroquel. He says Seroquel is really the best for the depressive stages of bipolar II. Okay, fine. So there's that. I did ask about a couple newer ADHD drugs that are being used for bipolar (Nuvigil), and he told me that my brain shouldn't be on any stimulants until totally stable. I just wish I could be less dizzy and fall-over-y and less stupid.

Depakote is staying the same for now, put probably down to 500mg or not at all for my appointment next week. Lamictal and Depakote aren't friends. They like to inhibit each other. So...I guess he is thinking about Lamictal. Lithium was mentioned. Was not paying enough attention, mostly because I was horribly anxious about not having my nail polish done.

Let me just talk about nail polish for a hot minute here. When stressed or anxious, I tend to have like...one particular thing that I compulsively collect. Once upon a time it was eyeshadow (specifically the pricey MAC pigments), and this time around was nail polish. I bought nail polish that cost almost $10. For one, single, solitary bottle. I've been on clearance polish binges, and I've gone out of my way to HIDE nail polish purchases. Granted, right now my nails are really really cute (magenta with white roses, accent nails are white with magenta glitter crackle), but I am seriously going fucking OCD like a freak about nail polish lately. I am compelled to get more, to get every color possible... I feel this restless, unsettled feeling throughout my body. A deep existential anxiety. It's like I need to affirm to myself that I can feel pleasure, so I buy or acquire more items and am glad about them... but then I'm also anxious about hiding them or feeling guilty about having bought them to begin with. This nail polish thing is one of my more dramatic manifestations of anxiety disorders of late.

So, on Friday in the day I'll just take vitamins (fish oil + multi) and in the evening I'll take Seroquel XR 50mg x2 (100mg total) and 500mg Depakote. On Saturday, supplements in the AM and Seroquel XR 150mg along with 250mg Depakote. Sunday, 200mg Seroquel XR. Monday and Tuesday will both be 300mg Seroquel XR. Next appointment is Wednesday. Thank goodness my copay is only $13.

I'm off work until March 5th. For next week, my goal is to call Patience (my manager) and see if we can arrange to talk sometime before I get back and get some training and time to catch up on the changes that I'm sure have been made. I am starting with a therapist pretty soon, her name is Lisa. I'm just glad I could find someone. Another short-term goal to hopefully fulfill is to reduce the number of times I think about S.


Ugh my leg is tingling and I'm loopy tired thanks to the Seroquel. Bed.