the worst

Mood has remained irritable and depressed. Seroquel is having zero antidepressant effect on me thus far...it just makes me tired, cranky, and hungry. Since going off my original cocktail (cit/bupr/amph) I've gained 20 pounds, so I got back the 10# I lost, and an extra 10 to spare.

Had an appointment yesterday with Dr Yasar. He was primarily concerned about if I was still suicidal. Of course I am, I'm fatter than ever and pissed off and sleepy! I think about ending it daily...sometimes hourly. So he prescribed lithium, and a further titration down of Depakote. He gave me Nuvigil samples to help with the daytime sleepiness. Before we all get too excited, I can definitely say that it does nothing for ADD, because I still cannot read through a paragraph or concentrate on the plot of a TV show. I am going to refuse to go back to work without Dexedrine, because this is just ridiculous how dumbed down I feel.

We also came to the conclusion that I will be best served by taking immediate release Seroquel instead of Seroquel XR. This is true because, on XR, I sleep well, wake rested, and have a solid few hours of feeling okay in the morning, but in the afternoon I feel like a zombie...no word recall, no concentration...ask me my name and I might well answer incorrectly. On the immediate release, I should be able to sleep off the majority of the sedation, and it won't have the pesky extended release-r pumping Seroquel into me in the afternoon. One problem - Seroquel IR doesn't have a copay discount card because it goes generic the end of next month. Until that happens, it costs $95 with my insurance. Seroquel XR has a copay card and will cost less than a third of the immediate release. So I'm f***ing stuck with spending all afternoon a vegetable. The Nuvigil means I'm still a vegetable, just not one who wants a nap. An awake vegetable. I f***ing hate Big Pharma.

Next week I start Lamictal, once I'm all done with the Depakote. Lamictal, right now, is the light at the end of the tunnel for this week. I have heard such great stories about how it turns off the depression, leaves you feeling like you have energy to do something and that you actually WANT to do things. If it doesn't work I'm just going to cry, and cry, and cry out of complete despair. I haven't felt this bad in ages...I felt better when I was having my rage-filled, impulsive, insomniac hypomania!

Of course, Dr Yasar, in his typical fashion, seemed somewhat amused by my flattened affect and stated desperation. When I told him that my OCD/anxiety symptoms were killing me, he just nodded and redirected. This whole process of elimination, switching one drug for another over so many weeks...it's awful. I just want to feel like laughing when something hilarious happens. Right now I feel nothing except irritability and depression and lethargy. "Stop the cycling," Dr Yasar says, and it makes me want to shove Dr. Phelps' book up his ass. The cycling has stopped, and it stopped in a terrible, awful, no-good place for me.

Speaking of things that are terrible, I'd imagine this whole process would be a lot easier if I had any support at home. I'm contemplating telling my mother just so I can have someone pretend to care about what I'm going through. Being constantly reminded that I can't work right now, and how that makes me a horrible, lowly, worthless person...it's not nice. I wish I could work, so I wouldn't have to just sit around all day thinking about how I'm feeling. But if I tried to work, all it would take is one call in which the person spoke to me the wrong way, or one bad quality score, or one new expectation, or WHATEVER, to completely send me off the deep end. Apparently my partner believes otherwise, which just sucks. It sucks. All of it sucks.