It seems like when I don't post in this thing, my mood spirals rapidly. It's been a rough week. I've been overtired and crabby because I resigned myself to not using Adderall. It fucks with my sleep - I've been doing research and I know that it's partially to blame. That's why I'm going to ask Dr Yasar to switch me to Dexedrine. Because I'm not myself really on Abilify - and it's sort of in a good way, in that I feel calmer, mellowed out, less irritated. But I also feel dulled, stupid, and slow. It's not a good combination, and I can't stop thinking about how non-functional I will be if I work like this. Today I took the Adderall because I was sick of feeling demotivated and deflated. And now I feel cheerful, hopeful... I did my hair and makeup today, and wore a nice blouse. The absolute lack of motivation and even some new anhedonia really kicked my ass yesterday. I wasn't enjoying anything.
This past week I've also fallen back on some old compulsive/impulsive behaviors. A lot of my anxiety is focused on my appearance and what others see when they look at me. In my various periods of agoraphobia, I've done different things to help soothe my anxiety. Makeup was one. Couponing was another. Couponing for makeup especially. It makes me feel better to buy things, and to buy and play with makeup especially. This time around, it's nail polish. It feels so satisfying and calming to put these pretty colors on my fingers and toes. It gives me something to focus in on that is mindless and creative at the same time. It also feels so good and satisfying to purchase new toys to play with. The purchasing is a problem, because it isn't a good use of limited resources, even with my tax return coming in. Just yesterday I dropped too much money at Sally's, on great products that were good deals and that I'm absolutely enthused to have, but nevertheless, it was too much. I also unnecessarily bought nail art pens at Walgreens with the excuse of breaking a larger bill, and at CVS because I needed cotton squares, and then I still bought a lot of cute crackling polishes on ebay! I have to resign myself to do no more. It feels good to acquire the new things, but I can't use that to make me feel better about what's going on in other areas of my life.
Besides that, yesterday I did an incredibly cute manicure on myself that I really don't care to take off just yet... it's so sparkly and pretty! So I can back off for a minute. I will.
Anyway, I'm a little spacy and run-on-y because my Adderall is wearing off and I'm all over the place. I did a lot of research yesterday and I am really thinking that Dexedrine will solve the problem. It's shorter-acting, and tends to cause a lot less insomnia, as well as having fewer effects on blood pressure and sweating, which are the peripheral nervous system side effects with Adderall. I'm thinking that we'll do the Dexedrine, and then if I start having problems sleeping again, we'll add clonidine at night and be done with it. I'll ask whether the immediate release 10mg 2-3x daily would be better than the spansules with time release. I'm thinking IR will be better, because with Adderall the extended release messed with my sleeping the most of anything I've ever had...but we'll see. Appointment is tomorrow, and I will post with updates for what's changed then.
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