uuuuuuugggggggghhhhhhhh

That's exactly what expresses my frustration at Friday's appointment. Telling Dr Yasar that I was suffering from impulsivity and concentration problems made him think that I'm experiencing hypomania or a mixed state. He's convinced I need mood stabilizers.

So the current plan of attack is to keep everything the same and decrease citalopram. Not something I want to do particularly, because the citalopram is my drug of choice for controlling anxiety. So I'm decreasing down to 20mg for now, and hopefully no further, but it's sounding more and more to me like he wants me to stop everything but Abilify, and then add oxcarbazepine (Trileptal), an anti-epileptic that is also a mood stabilizer. I would rather try lamotrigine (Lamictal) first, because it tends to also act as an anti-depressant.

The other thing that I am daily growing more amenable to is a switch to an MAOI, specifically tranylcypromine (Parnate). I think it will help me with energy and concentration, and that, in combination with lamotrigine, clonidine, or possibly mirtazapine, I could be happy and stable on it. It's a big change, but I think I want to try it.



On a separate but perhaps more important note, I am having issues with suicidal ideation lately. The fact that former friends don't seem to care and how hopeless I'm feeling lately have me focusing more and more on how I could just get myself blackout drunk, take every pill in the house and just be done with it all. I'm not going to do that, because I don't want Kristina to have to deal with that, but I can't get the thought out of my head. It's been this way since I stopped bupropion. I'm embarrassed to talk to anyone about it. Not good.